Our nieces and nephews are over at my boyfriends place for an early Mother's Day celebration. There usually is some anxiety when they come over because I want to keep them entertained and somewhat calm and if I have problems I can't do that. For the first little while I had to take my lorazepam whenever they came over but I had finally gotten past that.
Unfortunately, Mother's Day weekend fell at a bad time for me, at the beginning of a certain event that comes once a month (sorry but it had to be said). This is always the worst time for me because it really causes a lot of pain with my IBS. I have also noticed with the anxiety I seem to have an increased amount of tension. However I figured I have been fine the last little while when they come over I will be fine again. mmmm not so much.... I had the kids decorating wooden picture frames which was going all well and good until after dinner they snuck downstairs without me and started pouring glitter glue all over everything then painting everything, so I had them clean up and I started putting stuff away. It took forever because they kept grabbing more paint or more glue. Finally I got them to stop and clean up. Then I tried to get them too watch a movie but it was hard to get them to calm down and I then had to start chasing their pet dog. I walked into the bedroom for a sec, my boyfriend asked me if I was alright and I realized my stomach was in unbelievable pain and I hadn't take the tylenol I need for it in a couple hours. I took a deep breath and went back out to find they ahd made more of a mess so I started cleaning it up and tried to get them to relax. I told them that I wasn't feeling well so I needed them to behave and that their uncle would look after them. I went and secluded myself in the bathroom, the pain was so bad I found regular tylenol and settled for that, but i noticed I was starting to feel numb and tingly. Suddenly I was lightheaded and shaking (so bad I had my laptop with me but I couldn't keep it on my lap I was afraid I would drop it I was shaking so much) the shaking was uncontrollable and my breathing sped up i tried to control my breathing but then my stomach hurt more, it was a giant circle, then the kids started yelling, I got worried about it, but heard my bf calm them down. I was in panic mode, time to take the lorazepam I had done so well to avoid while they were here lately. After about twenty minutes, I finally left my corner in the bathroom when my boyfriend told me they were glued to the movie they were watching, I snuck into the bedroom drank some super cold water and laid down, threw on some Jeff Dunham and opened my laptop, I laid on my stomach which always helps and started focusing on Jeff and writing this blog. I started thinking about the future, worrying that this will happen when I have my own kids and I can't just run away from it. But I realized I was making it worse so I switched back my focus and I am now starting to feel better.
My bf came in to check on me, the kids are putting their pj's on and are going to have to leave soon, three year old Racquel comes in and asks if she can see me. She asks if I'm feeling a little better. I tell her yes. My bf tells her I need a hug, she gives me a hug then grabs her pillow and blanket, throws it on the bed and curls up next to me. she sits there for a bit talking, then goes to get her brother Reece. Reece then comes in with a pillow all in his pj's and says "we are going to take care of you, i brought you a nice soft pillow if you don;t have any" but he saw that I did so he said "we will just take care of you while you have a nap." that made me so happy. I love these kids dearly and normally they aren't such a hassle with paint and glue they were just excited we finally had a basement.
(my boyfriends basement flooded last summer and we are for the most part finished redoing it just gotta throw in some carpet, I will post pictures another day).
I was finally able to get out of bed to sit with them for a few minutes before they left and say goodbye. I am starting to feel better now.
On the bright side of things, usually if my panic attacks get that bad I freak out and leave to go home to my parents even if I take my meds. This time I pulled it together and I got through it so I am really proud of myself...
Now I just have to get myself together to drive out and hour to see them sometime.... I will add pictures btw in the morning
**Dee**
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