Happy Sad, Sad or Happy.

Well, 

It's been a long time. I hadn't quite been in the mood for writing. I'm still not sure I am...

At the end of November the man's mom suddenly got really sick. We spent three days waiting in the ICU for her to get better. But eventually Dec 1st she had to go. It literally felt like I went into a haze right before it happened. and everything went slow mo and the last few seconds will replay forever in my mind. I miss her a lot.

There was a small happy note in all of this. When we knew we were going to have to say our goodbyes, I grabbed a paper clip and rounded it. I then handed it to the man and he knew what to do. There next to her hospital bed he proposed with a paperclip which I wore on my finger  until we left (shortly after it broke). She always talked about seeing us get married and was looking forward to that day. But she got too sick and couldn't fight anymore. She has been fighting for 13 years. She was tired. This was the least we could do for her with the time we had. She was only sedated so the doctors believe she heard us. She had been fully conscious earlier and was responding and we knew she would have been happy if she could have spoken to us. At the funeral one of the workers pulled me aside and told me that Mumma had been waiting for us to do that and she'd be undeniably happy.

So we have started planning. It's going to be July 2012. We have the church booked and we are looking into a few of our favourite reception locations now. Today we will go to a wedding show and meet with someone at our top location as well.

So I guess there is some happiness. The holidays were sad though. and they will be for a while.

The Family misses you Mumma

I guess since the blog is about managing my anxiety.....It's been under pretty good control for the most part. I spent my time in the hospital focusing on her, and the man, and trying to give the family hope. Then, when it was over I was focused on helping get the funeral details sorted out so as to help keep the family from anymore stress. Then I was focused on giving everyone as wonderful a Christmas as possible considering what we had all been through. I never really had time to get anxious. I guess that's a good sign.

I hope 2011 goes well for everyone. Best wishes to all

***Dee***

Remember Me?

Hello There!
I realize its been quite a long time. Things got busy then so many things happened I didn't know what to start telling you so I just kept putting it off. But I figure I can give you the coles notes version.

Halloween was so much fun. I dressed up to go out to a party as a fairy but on the actual night of Halloween I dressed up as Strawberry Shortcake to take the kids trick or treating. Awesomely enough they were more interested in the decorations then the candy so when their mommy said there was too much they didn't even notice that they left with only a small bucket full and their dear auntie and uncle suddenly had a whole garbage bag full. That was a lot of candy to eat.


Oh um sad story the week before that...my kitty got a tumor in her throat so she had to be put down. I felt like the bad guy. The whole family went but I was the one that put her up on the table. And when she started fighting everyone ran out but I went and pet her until she calmed down and again until she stopped breathing. That was the worst week yet this year. I felt like I lost a family member and I was in a daze that whole week.

Now business wise things are going well. We are getting noticed on twitter which is awesome but now people want to see our website which is blank right now...but it's coming! eventually...

I'm working tons of hours at the store now. So that's good almost full time so lots of money. Which is needed since I owe lots of money and christmas is coming too!!

Thats all for now since my puppy is being silly. I had some awesome pictures to show but I have to go stop her from eating shoes.

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I went to an anxiety group meeting on Thursday. At first it was interesting because I started sharing a bit of my experience (I'm a talker I am never afraid to speak) and then everyone else started. But as we went on no one else is there suffering anxiety due to a health condition and so it started to get a bit frustrating because we weren't quite addressing MY problems. Everyone was talking about how they can relate. How they never knew other people suffered from the same thing. They were talking about how no one they know understands and they have no support from family and friends.

They taught us some breathing exercises. It's called box breathing. Breathe in to the count of 4, hold to the count of 4, breathe out to the count of 4, hold to the count of 4 and repeat. I already learned that from my mom and through my own experiences (never knew it had a specific name though). I want to know what to do when it doesn't help. I also find I have a lot of people who understand what I am going through. And even if they don't, they try and they are unbelievably supportive. My parents, my siblings, my friends, the man and his family. Everyone is trying to help me and understand it. We tried an exercise of tensing then relaxing your muscles. It's supposed to make you feel like you are pretty much melting in your spot, and like your muscles are warm and stuff. It didn't work for me but whenever I have a massage it works like that. So I was told that would be the better option.
I was a bit frustrated too because I couldn't figure out which type of anxiety or thought errors I fit in to so its hard to determine how to deal with it. But I guess I'm figuring it out all on my own.

I actually feel like I am ahead of the game in this group. Like if I keep teaching myself on my own I will just master it myself. I guess I am stronger then I thought.

Also on an unrelated matter..the Man and I have been together for two years now as of Thursday. Only having spent a total of two days apart. We have been so busy lately we have had no time to relax so we had a date night last night. We went out to dinner and then rented Killers. It was a nice night

Anyways I have to get to work I'm going to be late if I keep sitting here.

Talk to you all soon!

***Dee***

Goodbye Summer

Well the summer is pretty much almost over. Just a couple days left and it's gone officially. I will miss you summer. I love the summer although this one was less exciting then most since it was mostly filled with work.

Now to put work and exciting into the same sentence together, and positively. I am excited because the man and I have shot a whole series worth of educational videos this weekend for that chiropractor as well as a few other practitioners in his clinic. This time it's turned out so far to look even better then the last. The chiropractor is pretty excited as well about it and likes to constantly tell me how good our last videos were and how much he enjoys working with us. It makes me really excited.

We actually decided on a business name now which is exciting, and bought a domain name. I started writing up some stuff for our website and the man started our advertising campaign which I really like.

I hope it all works out because I am having a lot of fun with it. In the mean time though I am applying for a full time job at the station in the promotions department. The end of my school year last year I worked a lot on the promotions/pr side of things for our major awards show and took an extra class in it. My teacher thought I would do really well in that area and has encouraged me to go for the position as a promo producer. So i'm going to give it a try. That would be awesome if it works out. It's only for a year so it will help me make the moneys while I try to get the business off the ground.

Anyways the man is wanting some starbucks so he can finish his homework with some inspiration so it's time to get going!

***Dee***

I am getting better

Sooo earlier this week I felt some odd pains in my belly but they didnt last long. Saturday though the pain became excruciating it really kicked in around 4:30 and it didn't go away. I felt like someone was repeatedly stabbing me and then moving that knife around through my stomach, under my ribcage. It was AWFUL. The man finally decided late around 10 that night that I should go to the hospital because it was getting worse. But first we called our doctor on call. He suggested it was just acid and I should take some antacids and analgesics  for the pain. He then said that if it didn't help I should go to our clinic the next morning where they have an on call doctor who could actually listen and feel my stomach. Well that night I never slept as the pain got worse. So sure enough I went to the doctors office. They couldn't figure it out. So they sent me to the hospital to emerg. After tons of tests they determined my pancreas was producing too much of some enzyme causing Pancreatitis but they couldn't figure out what was causing it. I had the symptoms of Gallstones but they didn't see any in my gallbladder. So they did more tests..and that is still all they could think of. So they called in a few surgeons and I was finally told that there was probably only one stone and it had already passed or had at least passed the pancreas and such (The pain had now moved lower and was not nearly as bad as it had been). So I have now got to fill my self with fluids and avoid too much solid food for a bit.

I guess the point of writing today though was to share how well I did the whole time. Not once did I  have a panic attack. I did get really tired and cranky at one point which made me slightly anxious but I over came it.

I can't believe given all the pain, and all the time in the hospital and the lack of sleep I did not have a panic attack once.

I am getting better.

Well my anxiety is. ;) and it feels great

As promised..

Here are my pictures from Quebec. I might come back later to have a little chat but right now the brother in law and kids are visiting and we will soon be enjoying home made meatballs.

Ignore the sunburn and enjoy the view above Quebec City

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More to come

Just Trying to Grasp....

I found out this morning a friend of mine and my bf's family took her life. The day before we left on vacation apparently. She just gave birth a few months ago to her second baby boy...her boyfriend didn't treat her that well and ended up in jail a few times, her grandpa was in the hospital and she got pretty sick for a bit herself and she felt alone. I knew she was stressed...but I didn't know it was that bad.

I don't get it though...how could one think that that's what is going to fix the situation? With two little boys both less then 2 years old needing a mother to help them..why would ending your life be the right thing to do?

I understand that with depression reason goes out the window as it does with anxiety...but I don't get how it goes that far out the window. I don't get what pushed her to do that. She wasn't a best friend of mine but we were just building our friendship. She was 25...she was just starting to open up to me...if she could have waited a bit longer maybe she wouldn't have felt so alone?

I just want to understand what pushes someone that far....