Remember Me?

Hello There!
I realize its been quite a long time. Things got busy then so many things happened I didn't know what to start telling you so I just kept putting it off. But I figure I can give you the coles notes version.

Halloween was so much fun. I dressed up to go out to a party as a fairy but on the actual night of Halloween I dressed up as Strawberry Shortcake to take the kids trick or treating. Awesomely enough they were more interested in the decorations then the candy so when their mommy said there was too much they didn't even notice that they left with only a small bucket full and their dear auntie and uncle suddenly had a whole garbage bag full. That was a lot of candy to eat.


Oh um sad story the week before that...my kitty got a tumor in her throat so she had to be put down. I felt like the bad guy. The whole family went but I was the one that put her up on the table. And when she started fighting everyone ran out but I went and pet her until she calmed down and again until she stopped breathing. That was the worst week yet this year. I felt like I lost a family member and I was in a daze that whole week.

Now business wise things are going well. We are getting noticed on twitter which is awesome but now people want to see our website which is blank right now...but it's coming! eventually...

I'm working tons of hours at the store now. So that's good almost full time so lots of money. Which is needed since I owe lots of money and christmas is coming too!!

Thats all for now since my puppy is being silly. I had some awesome pictures to show but I have to go stop her from eating shoes.

1 2 3 4

I went to an anxiety group meeting on Thursday. At first it was interesting because I started sharing a bit of my experience (I'm a talker I am never afraid to speak) and then everyone else started. But as we went on no one else is there suffering anxiety due to a health condition and so it started to get a bit frustrating because we weren't quite addressing MY problems. Everyone was talking about how they can relate. How they never knew other people suffered from the same thing. They were talking about how no one they know understands and they have no support from family and friends.

They taught us some breathing exercises. It's called box breathing. Breathe in to the count of 4, hold to the count of 4, breathe out to the count of 4, hold to the count of 4 and repeat. I already learned that from my mom and through my own experiences (never knew it had a specific name though). I want to know what to do when it doesn't help. I also find I have a lot of people who understand what I am going through. And even if they don't, they try and they are unbelievably supportive. My parents, my siblings, my friends, the man and his family. Everyone is trying to help me and understand it. We tried an exercise of tensing then relaxing your muscles. It's supposed to make you feel like you are pretty much melting in your spot, and like your muscles are warm and stuff. It didn't work for me but whenever I have a massage it works like that. So I was told that would be the better option.
I was a bit frustrated too because I couldn't figure out which type of anxiety or thought errors I fit in to so its hard to determine how to deal with it. But I guess I'm figuring it out all on my own.

I actually feel like I am ahead of the game in this group. Like if I keep teaching myself on my own I will just master it myself. I guess I am stronger then I thought.

Also on an unrelated matter..the Man and I have been together for two years now as of Thursday. Only having spent a total of two days apart. We have been so busy lately we have had no time to relax so we had a date night last night. We went out to dinner and then rented Killers. It was a nice night

Anyways I have to get to work I'm going to be late if I keep sitting here.

Talk to you all soon!

***Dee***

Goodbye Summer

Well the summer is pretty much almost over. Just a couple days left and it's gone officially. I will miss you summer. I love the summer although this one was less exciting then most since it was mostly filled with work.

Now to put work and exciting into the same sentence together, and positively. I am excited because the man and I have shot a whole series worth of educational videos this weekend for that chiropractor as well as a few other practitioners in his clinic. This time it's turned out so far to look even better then the last. The chiropractor is pretty excited as well about it and likes to constantly tell me how good our last videos were and how much he enjoys working with us. It makes me really excited.

We actually decided on a business name now which is exciting, and bought a domain name. I started writing up some stuff for our website and the man started our advertising campaign which I really like.

I hope it all works out because I am having a lot of fun with it. In the mean time though I am applying for a full time job at the station in the promotions department. The end of my school year last year I worked a lot on the promotions/pr side of things for our major awards show and took an extra class in it. My teacher thought I would do really well in that area and has encouraged me to go for the position as a promo producer. So i'm going to give it a try. That would be awesome if it works out. It's only for a year so it will help me make the moneys while I try to get the business off the ground.

Anyways the man is wanting some starbucks so he can finish his homework with some inspiration so it's time to get going!

***Dee***

I am getting better

Sooo earlier this week I felt some odd pains in my belly but they didnt last long. Saturday though the pain became excruciating it really kicked in around 4:30 and it didn't go away. I felt like someone was repeatedly stabbing me and then moving that knife around through my stomach, under my ribcage. It was AWFUL. The man finally decided late around 10 that night that I should go to the hospital because it was getting worse. But first we called our doctor on call. He suggested it was just acid and I should take some antacids and analgesics  for the pain. He then said that if it didn't help I should go to our clinic the next morning where they have an on call doctor who could actually listen and feel my stomach. Well that night I never slept as the pain got worse. So sure enough I went to the doctors office. They couldn't figure it out. So they sent me to the hospital to emerg. After tons of tests they determined my pancreas was producing too much of some enzyme causing Pancreatitis but they couldn't figure out what was causing it. I had the symptoms of Gallstones but they didn't see any in my gallbladder. So they did more tests..and that is still all they could think of. So they called in a few surgeons and I was finally told that there was probably only one stone and it had already passed or had at least passed the pancreas and such (The pain had now moved lower and was not nearly as bad as it had been). So I have now got to fill my self with fluids and avoid too much solid food for a bit.

I guess the point of writing today though was to share how well I did the whole time. Not once did I  have a panic attack. I did get really tired and cranky at one point which made me slightly anxious but I over came it.

I can't believe given all the pain, and all the time in the hospital and the lack of sleep I did not have a panic attack once.

I am getting better.

Well my anxiety is. ;) and it feels great

As promised..

Here are my pictures from Quebec. I might come back later to have a little chat but right now the brother in law and kids are visiting and we will soon be enjoying home made meatballs.

Ignore the sunburn and enjoy the view above Quebec City

Add caption

More to come

Just Trying to Grasp....

I found out this morning a friend of mine and my bf's family took her life. The day before we left on vacation apparently. She just gave birth a few months ago to her second baby boy...her boyfriend didn't treat her that well and ended up in jail a few times, her grandpa was in the hospital and she got pretty sick for a bit herself and she felt alone. I knew she was stressed...but I didn't know it was that bad.

I don't get it though...how could one think that that's what is going to fix the situation? With two little boys both less then 2 years old needing a mother to help them..why would ending your life be the right thing to do?

I understand that with depression reason goes out the window as it does with anxiety...but I don't get how it goes that far out the window. I don't get what pushed her to do that. She wasn't a best friend of mine but we were just building our friendship. She was 25...she was just starting to open up to me...if she could have waited a bit longer maybe she wouldn't have felt so alone?

I just want to understand what pushes someone that far....

Mercredi, Juedi, Vendredi

Bonjour!

So I figured I should fill you in on whats happened the last few days. 

Wednesday we went into Quebec City to check out Old Quebec which is absolutely beautiful. My morning did not start that great when I reached into my backpack I got my finger stabbed by my name tag from work. the name tag got stuck and it was so painful I'm pretty sure it hit the bone. The man jumped quickly to the rescue though and pulled it out...and somehow I coincidently had a band aid and covered that bugger up.

We went to La Citadelle. Which is basically a British fortress (designed by a French guy) after the British conquered the area. This was to protect Canada from an American invasion (which has never happened since) It's an active military base and the Man was excited to learn that this is where 150 select Vandoos live and it's the second home for the Governor General.

We then ate lunch on the Plains of Abraham and headed into the old city to do some shopping and exploring. However my stomach decided this was a good time to have an attack which then brought on a minor panic attack but I must say I gained control pretty quickly and continued on for a nice afternoon.

Some of the view of the Citadelle

Thursday was a bit of a long day we went to Canyon St. Anne where we went on a nice but tiring hike. We then went across to Iles de Orleans and checked out another chocolate factory, and fromagerie as well as some art places. We came across a pottery place where we met this woman who has beautiful stuff I fell in love with. So we bought some mugs from her. She told us she had a place in Quebec city and would be coming to the art gallery back at home in three weeks. So we will be going to see her when she comes.

The Canyon

Because Old Quebec is so large we went back on Friday and spent the day there shopping and admiring the beauty of it. It's very European looking I can't wait to show you more photos. 

Just a very small idea of what Old Quebec looks like

That's pretty much a summary of the last few days. I promise to post more photos but right now I cant use up any more of the Man's data plan :P 

We come home tomorrow so hopefully Monday I can get some pictures up.

Bye Bye for now

***Dee***

Mardi

I realize this is my second post today. I actually wrote the other one this morning but we are using our phones to connect to the internet (because the info about the place said there was internet but there isn't) and this morning the mans Iphone didn't want to work.

So today started off pretty well it was very warm like VERY warm. We got all ready to leave at about 10:30 and headed out onto a river route. It goes through a bunch of towns along the river. We went to a cheese factory and a chocolate factory. Then drove some more and found a home of an artist that caught our attention so we thought we would check it out. I bought a beautiful photo windmill on one of the islands. I then went to a pottery shop and got a sugar bowl. We then did a ton of driving to later end up (almost an hour and a half away) at the river watching whales from a cliff. After that I was pretty tired and ready to go home we had been out pretty much all day it was about 4. Then, my dad decided though to continue exploring and drove us onto a ferry randomly so we crossed over into a place called Tadousac. It was cute but it started to rain so we checked out a couple shops but left. We stopped for dinner at a restaurant called Mikes the food was delicious. We got home late though around 9:30ish so im pretty tired here are a few pics of the scenery on the way.

***Dee***

Monday in Quebec

Hello again!

Two days in a row I know! I thought I’d share a bit of my day yesterday with you. It started off slow no scheduled time to get out and about, which I like, it keeps my anxiety down I had some time to read a book, and play Fable 2 on my brother’s xbox. We had lunch here at the chalet where it was pretty chilly and grey and foggy and damp. After lunch we headed to tour a church called St. Anne de Beaupre. She was the mother of Mary This church is beautiful its so large like a cathedral it had wonderful architecture etc. But what else is significant about it is the crutches on the wall. Many people have gone in there and said prayers to St. Anne and have walked out healed or finding the strength to cope with their conditions. There truly is something spiritual feeling when you walk in there. I said a prayer asking her to pray for help with coping with the anxiety and my IBS. 4 years ago I had been there and said a prayer and although at the time I didn’t really associate it with the church I had started to learn to cope with it and had fairly good control of it until last summer. Maybe there was a reason we went back. For those of you who don’t believe in God or religion that is fine I understand, but if it makes me feel better to believe some higher power is guiding and helping me then what harm does it do?

We came home early and had dinner, we then played some more video games, had a nap and went to bed so it was a pretty easy day. A great way to relax.

The Church from the outside

A rainbow from our deck

I have to tell you that this morning the sun is shining and it is very warm here and the view of the St. Lawerance River is beautiful and clear. We are going to make today a busy day and make a trip through little towns to see museums and arts and cheese factories and such. 

The View of the River from the deck

***Dee***

Welcome to Quebec

Towards the mountains

Good morning!
Today is day 1 on our vacation well yesterday kind of was.

We woke up at 2am and finished packing up and hit the road for a long drive. I'll tell you I was feeling a wee bit nervous slightly worried about my anxiety and my IBS.
So here is how I prevented it: at 9:30pm on Saturday i took a half a miligram of lorazepam before going to bed. When I woke up at two i made a tea my BF had found a long time ago, it's made by traditional medicinals its called Organic Easy Now its supposed to be good for your nervous system and keep you calm and relaxed. I think it helped.

The man made me sleep so I would stay relaxed for longer. He is so caring and understanding :) The drive went pretty fast early in the morning at about 9 we stopped just outside Montreal for breakfast at Cora's. We then decided we would stop in Montreal and visit old Montreal. However when we got there our GPS (aka the mans Iphone) and my parents GPS sent us in different directions. My parents went to an observation spot although they told us it was a building we would stop at so we drove past them twice. This frustrated the man because the drivers in the city are crazy and there were bikers riding in the middle of the road and would just randomly cut in front you so he was afraid he was going to hit one. Once we finally met up we decided to keep going.

Around 1 we stopped for lunch at McDonalds. The man and i ate some tuna I brought though so we ate healthy :) we also brought some cheese sticks and crackers and pepperettes as well so we had lots of snacks.

Most of the ride went well until we were about two hours and a half hours away from our destination when we hit some bad traffic. When we finally passed it we got into Quebec city and our gps' took us in different directions again but the man and I got ahead of my parents. until they insisted we had gone the wrong way so we got confused but i knew I recognized it from years ago when we came.

We were right. We got into the chalet on a mountain in the Charlevoix area around 5 and got all unpacked. We can normally see the St. Lawerance River from the dining room although this morning it is pretty foggy. Last night we all took it easy, had a steak dinner and watched some tv then went to bed nice and early. We are still trying to plan today possibly going to a church or maybe into the lower town.

Montreal

CBC in Montreal - I may one day work at the one in T.O so this was cool

Oh Hey...

...did you miss me? Probably not because I'm pretty sure that Zoe and my Bf are the only people who read this. But that's okay, I'm glad they do, and I still like writing because it helps me feel good.

So where have I been over the last few weeks? Working, a fair bit. I have been working diligently on editing the videos for the makeup artist and chiropractor which has been going very well. The first set are finished and after I come back from Quebec I should be getting started on the next set.  check out one of the videos (best viewed in HD if your computer can handle it)







This week is going to be a very busy week. I am working today with one of my professors on some big video shoots for a nearby hospital so I should be busy with that all day. Thursday is my favourite day at the store its teacher appreciation day. At this point I am working a double because I always do our teacher appreciation day features showing off what our new services and products are, hooking them up with the best deals and showing them the ways we show our appreciation for them. Its lots of fun. But the schedule got mixed up so right now im working all day. Friday is another video shoot for the hospital so its gonna be long. Good thing I go for a massage on Wednesday. I've been getting some acupuncture, chiropractic adjustments and massages lately as well. I have really bad shoulder problems but the treatments have helped big time.

Sunday morning at 2am my bf and my parents, little bro and I head out to Quebec so thats exciting as well.

I think part of the reason I am writing today though is to manage some anxiety. my levels have been high lately with all the working I have been doing, and some stress. One of my uncles is being a total ass to my mom and family and its driving me crazy. I have also had a lot of tummy troubles too lately so everything is adding up and making me anxious about being late to places, or messing something up, or having to leave early or the long 10 hr drive to Quebec. I feel like I'm losing some of my control of it again. I haven't had an attack really just a lot of the beginnings of one and then a constant feeling of being crampy, and tired and weak all day with the odd sensation of being outside of my body if that makes sense.

I need to figure out how to make that go away. That in itself makes me anxious.

For the most part I am excited about everything but there is just that subconcious thing.

Anyways enjoy my video there is another one on that youtube channel. Wish me luck this week, and I'm sure you will hear from me either during or after my trip :)

**Dee**

Stalling

Why hello there!

Man things have been crazy lately. I am starting to feel a bit stressed.   I am supposed to have these videos done for two of my clients by tomorrow night. But they kept changing what they wanted. So originally it was doable but after the changes it wasn't.  They also made a big deal it was taking so long (that's because they don't know what they want!). I didn't want to tell them it was going to take longer so I just figured I would work my butt off last week on my day off. That was until I got called in to cover someones all day shift on my day off. I shouldn't have taken it but I did. Now I am behind and they are anxious to see the final product. I think I am going to be up late tonight working on this. I should be doing it now too but I am so frustrated with it. This one video is sooo boring I don't know how to make it more entertaining. It was his own script- sort of he mostly just decided to wing it. He has so much technical information though so its hard to decide what is important and what isn't and I am so bored of listening to him.

These people are great people and they are fun to visit with. But man its just getting tough. Oh my! Last week we went to meet with them and when we went to leave we ran out of gas in their driveway. He drove to the gas station and bought us some gas to get us up the street a bit so we could totally fill up. That was embarassing. It was very kind of him. I want to give him something spectacular in his videos but the content is just not that spectacular.

So my brother left for Portugal yesterday. He is going there for a month with his girlfriend and her family. Pretty crazy. In about three more weeks the man and I are going to Quebec with my parents and my other brother. I can't wait. I want to get away for a bit.

My grandma is visiting from out of town right now. It would be cool if she was just coming over for dinner but this is awful, when she comes to visit for a while she drives me crazy. She is the nosiest person ever. And she loves to share the gossip. She analyzes our neighbours loud enough that they can hear. At the grocery store some man was trying to decide on something with some juice he was looking at so he was taking a bit. She laughed at him and said "BEEP BEEP". My sister also has IBS so she took a stool softener one night before bed. I am just starting antibiotics which upset my stomach so the next day the too of us had the bathroom tied up. When my uncle calls she tells him because we have a house full of diarrhea she won't have time to get washed before church. Who says that? and I just had to go a lot I didn't have diarrhea that was so out of line! Same with the beep beep. She always lectures us kids too like she is in charge or like she needs to baby sit. If my parents aren't home we have to answer to her what time we will be home etc. We are adults some of us in our twenties, we don't need to answer to her. She has been told that before too by my parents but she still does it. She lectured my younger brother the other day saying because he ate chips he didn't eat his dinner so he can't eat anymore junk food...

He did eat his dinner and her and I argued about it for a bit. When my mom jumped in and said he did eat it she looked at him and said "there now, well that's a good boy. You're being a good boy when you eat your dinner" HE IS A TEEN HE IS NOT A FIVE YEAR OLD "that's a good boy"? 

*Sigh* I think it is partially because she is aging and partially because she is lonely. All her kids live in different cities hours away and my grandpa passed away a few years ago. I try to stay calm but man its frustrating

That's all my venting for now. I should get back to editing before I go into work soon...

Talk to you soon! hopefully not so far apart this time.

***Dee***

what history gave modern man: a telephone to talk to strangers, machine guns and a camera lense

Conor Oberst (Bright Eyes) always has such great lyrics...

So I haven't posted in a bit because things have been crazy busy.

It started with working five days in a row before jumping into the weekend of the G20 summit. Oh my was that ever busy. I'm just a part time teleprompter and I was exhausted. We hardly followed our script, and our staff was having a hard time getting into the centre of things due to their lack of gas masks etc..So I spent most of my time watching CTV and learning about what was going on such as police cars on fire, and other riots and then passing it on to the anchor to report while we tried to connect with our reporters. When I finally came home I was half asleep and starving, and the niece and nephew were visiting but all i wanted to do was sleep. While I was eating the man's brother turned on the TV so we could watch more of what was going on. It was crazy to see Toronto look like that. It looked like a war zone in some places. I feel sorry for the people who tried to peacefully protest. I think their message got lost in all the craziness. By the end of the weekend I wanted to watch no more riots. Our other staff had it even worse. Lots of them were working twelve to fourteen hour days after having already worked all week. Then we all had to come back in on Monday. I tell ya, everyone was exhausted.

The rest of the week was busy too. It was a lot of working and running around and TV stations don't get Canada Day off so I was really looking forward to a day off. Saturday was a surprise bday party for my grandma who turned 80. She is in really good shape for someone who is 80. The man and I basically spent the whole day Wednesday shopping for ingredients for our recipes and then all of Thursday making dips, an cheese log and some h'ourderves ( I realize I spelt that wrong but you get it.) The pastries were made of phyllo do which is very thin and tough to work with but it was fun and they came out awesome and were a big hit at the party.

Friday was another busy day. I woke up at 5:00 with some really bad cramps. The man said I was panicking too. I rushed to the bathroom and was having so much pain. I got it somewhat together, took my meds and went back to bed At seven I got up for work and still felt like crap but I had to go in anyways. After work was more shopping and prepping for the party, Avon, had to meet with a friend who has been trying to get together with me for months now, and more cooking with my mom.

Saturday we all headed over to my uncles and about 80 people came to say happy birthday to my Nanny. It went really well. I got daring and had two drinks. I managed but it was tough because it was really hot out. I started dealing with a headache and  bordered on an anxiety attack later in the day but I think it was because I was dehydrated. I finally chugged some water and when all the guests left the family took over my uncles pool and I pulled it together. But I came home exhausted.

Yesterday morning we had to get ready for church for nine. I usually get up around seven to give myself time for my IBS to do its thing. Well I guess I was so tired I slept through the alarm and woke up just before 8. I managed to get ready in no time but then my stomach was sooo upset. I had such horrible cramps and constant need to go to the bathroom I couldn't get it to stop. Even the meds didn't help...again. We even went out for breakfast after lunch. I got through breakfast but it was rough and I needed some help to avoid the anxiety. We were supposed to go to the beach and a movie with some friends but all I wanted to do was sleep. They ended up canceling so we had a long nap, then wandered around indigo's for a bit, got some starbucks, and had an easy night. I was still pretty tired though so I was pleased when I finally went to bed. I am up now to get ready for work again. I still like the sounds of bed. My stomach isn't all that better and for some reason I still feel drained. This week is going to be busy too. Tomorrow I work two shifts because I didn't realize I already worked when I took someone elses shift then Wednesday I get to work the  morning show which means getting up at 3:30 am. I am sooo looking forward to August when I can go on vacation. For some reason I am just so drained and I need some time off.

there is more I could share...some of it some interesting good news but I think that is enough for today. I can share it later :)

***Dee***

Espresso Express-oh

So I don't think I have yet mentioned that I have been hired to make some videos for a couple who each own their own business. I have been working with them for a few weeks now, shooting and working on rough edits etc. I went to meet with them tonight to show them the rough edits and talk a bit more about what they wanted to do.

I don't think they took me seriously to begin with but after working with the man and I and showing them what we have done so far they are super excited and much more serious.

Here is the crappy part about tonight. I met with them for two hours. Things were going great we got so much accomplished and I am super happy. However they made espresso and I felt rude to turn them down. Besides I drink espresso sometimes at home.

Espresso can be a bad idea though. I only usually drink it when I am planning on being home all day. Why?

Well we know many peoples bowels do not get along with espresso so a person with IBS likely would have worse issues right? 

Now add the fact that espresso sometimes gets you jittery and that I suffer from anxiety which also gets that jittery thing happening. 

So I am sitting there suddenly I have massive cramps and jitters, then i start worrying because I do not want to take a few minutes to spend in the bathroom at their house so the jitters get worse as my mind starts focusing on it. Then I get myself back on track and I am fine again.But then it all comes back this time worse and suddenly i feel hot like I can't breathe. I know what this is but I will wait it out... but wait...I have to drive myself...I cant drive anxious. So, I unfortunately had to tell them that due to a health condition that I could suddenly feel flaring up I had to leave. I apologized, and when they realized I had to drive they became concerned they were very good about it and understanding so I was lucky. But that could have been bad if it had been someone else. I was a little embarassed. I drove home just fine. I got in the car and barely noticed how I was feeling. The air conditioning was on super high so it was refreshing. I'm home now, took so meds, visited the "office" and I am calming down. It just sucks that it happened while I was with them...

***Dee***

An achievement

So this is a couple days old news now but I should share it I think...

I went to my friends sisters stage and doe on the weekend. All of my high school friends were there -after a year off and three years of college these people have hung around. we have grown a little bit more distant but they are still around and supportive and I love that. I have been avoiding a few stag and doe's recently because of the anxiety. I also have been feeling a little sick lately and had to take Friday off work so Saturday I was a little bit nervous going. The Man and I decided we would just go and make an appearance and stay for a little bit then go. I got there though and had a good time seeing the old crowd and I pulled through almost the entire night. When we had started to decide we would stay longer we said we would stay until the draws were done then go. The stag and doe was scheduled to go until 1:00 and the raffle was done at quarter after twelve. The man suggested we stay until the end so I went and grabbed a drink (my first and only drink for the night because unfortunately alcohol can mimic the effects of an anxiety attack and actually cause one or cause other problems if mixed with the meds). I think because I had it set in my head we would leave after the raffle my mind and body decided it didn't want to be there anymore. Then I started thinking about the alcohol - even though one drink has never hurt in the past. I started to feel a numbness in my arms so I pulled aside my friend and one of the other girls I trust and told them I may be bordering on attack. They both understood and I went home.

I know it seems like the anxiety won but it didn't. I got through much longer than I had intended to. We got there at nine I figured I would stay an hour max, but I stayed until 12:30 this was huge.

One of the girls is moving out of the city in a few days, this Friday they are having a going away Hawaiian themed party. I work all seven days this week but I am going to go they are all short shifts anyways and I want to say goodbye so we will see how that goes :)

***Dee***

My New Puppy

is fairly well behaved for a puppy. She is ten months old, she must have had some training before she was abandoned because she is very familiar with the basic commands plus a few others. The only problem is she scares my older dog chip. She is a bit rough when she gets playful and he doesn't like that. And she has picked up on his fear so now she is testing him a lot. She will be broken of that though...wanna see what she looks like?

Meet Hope

Meet Chip

Hope & Chip

SO MUCH TO TELL!

I don't even know where to start. I will try and keep it short by writing about just one topic tonight. I will add another tomorrow. Tonight I will share the best news.

I GRADUATED YESTERDAY!

It wasn't as long as I thought it would be even though there was over 500 of us. It was short and sweet and I got tonnes of pictures of my friends before hand and a few of my teachers afterwards. My dad is a teacher at the college, same department different program so he was on stage when they were announcing the graduates. After I shook the hands of the college President and Vice President I was surprised by my dad greeting me with a hand shake and hug. My dad's coworkers include my bf's professors who surprisingly came up and congratulated me and hugged me and told me how proud of me they were. My bf's program coordinator even hung around to see me graduate. I felt special.

The ceremony ended nicely but the big pain in the butt was the lines. There was a line to pick up your actual diploma, a long to pick up the composite photos, a line to return your gowns because you had to right away and if you wanted a pic with a gown on you had to go down to the student centre and wait in line to use one of the three other gowns they had. After all that I went to say goodbye and get pics with some of my teachers. That's when one of my very supportive teachers asked if I would work for him this summer! He has his own small production company and does very well for himself. I was sooo honored.

My mom, bf and grandpa came as well but my grandpa was sick so couldn't stay for lunch, we picked up my bf's mom and then went to milestones for lunch. The food was DELICIOUS and very filling. I got a 50 dollar gift card for the mall so I can make my wardrobe more professional, a Doctor Suess book and The book of AWESOME which I recommend you read. It really helps make you feel good and appreciate the little things like perhaps the smell after it rains and it really makes me giggle.

So I already wrote a fair bit. I will spare you the rest. Share a couple pics. I have been trying to avoid showing my picture in case someone I know finds it but who cares. I wanna show you my adorable dress!

Bad News on a Rainy Day

Well it's been a while since I've posted anything. Pretty much because I haven't had anything to tell you because nothing exciting has been happening lately, I am broke I barely work and the weather is crummy so I am just spending alot of time watching TV and movies.

So there was nothing new to say until today....
I woke up this morning with a bad headache and feeling a bit down. I had a dream last night..well two actually involving a close friend of mine who is working way up north this summer. The first one he was very upset about something and trying to contact me, the second one was the same situation except I was trying to contact him.

It was also a rainy day. and lots of people were complaining on facebook about how awful the day was. For example "its only 8am and this is the worst day ever" or "its raining, I'm soaked, everything that could go wrong on the way to work has". So seeing this I already had an uneasy feeling.
I got up and ate breakfast and had a tea, checked emails turned on the tv and visited with my mom who  was home with a migraine. At some point I got a Facebook message from one of the reporters I work with. A friend of mine from college who was very close friends with the one I had a dream about, had been killed in an accident yesterday. She wanted pictures and to know how well I knew him and if anyone I knew wanted to speak about him. I read it a few times thinking it was his brothers name I was reading. Almost like my mind wouldn't accept it. I slowly started processing it and when she called I stumbled and told her I would get to her what ever I could.

He wasn't a best friend of mine so at first it was just sad news. Once I started going through my pictures and some friends pictures, and visited his facebook profile I started to feel worse. I called my boyfriend at work but I dialed our managers extension. I managed to tell her who it was and then burst hysterically into tears. We weren't BEST friends but he was still a friend. Unfortunately I haven't even seen him in the last year because our paths were going in different directions. I was also worrying about my friend up north because he IS however a very close friend of mine, and knowing him and his state of mind its not something he (or anyone really) needs to deal with. Then I started thinking about his family and what they would be feeling. I kept picturing his face, and then just not seeing it there anymore...it was so hard.

I guess I am handling it okay now. I calmed down after talking to my bf and one of my other close friends. The one up north flew home, but I don't think he is doing to well because that is the one message he keeps ignoring the question about how he is doing.

There are a few things that get me here and there, like when I first heard the word "autopsy", when I saw the news story, and when I learned how horrific his death was. He was on his bike riding past a drive thru entrance and a car pulled off the street into the drive thru and hit him, he flew through the window and it sliced open his neck. He tried to get up, he couldn't, the driver wrapped a tshirt around his neck to stop the blood and a nearby police officer had ambulance dispatch for him right away. unfortunately it wasn't enough.... He was supposed to graduate next week. He will definately been in my prayers at my graduation on Tuesday

I am staying pretty strong now. I need to keep going about my day and my life. Friday is the visitation which I will go to for sure, and Saturday is the funeral. I booked a video shoot that day. I called my client and asked her if we could split the shoot up that day so I can go to the funeral. I need to support my friends and his family and I want to say some kind of goodbye but I need to keep busy because otherwise it will eat me alive....the anxiety is there in the back of my mind but its not winning this time. I need to be strong for my friends and for myself.

**********************************************************************************

On a small bright side, that kinda gets lost in the sadness, I met with my new family doctor on Tuesday. She is wonderful. She wants to meet with me to talk about my anxiety and connect me with some doctors that deal with that right at her office. It means I can get in within a month instead of waiting two years for the clinic I have been waiting to get into.

Also I may get a new dog tomorrow. My mom found her last week at her work at a conference centre and campsite in the woods. She took it to animal control and no one has claimed her yet. She goes up for adoption tomorrow so hopefully we can get her. We will know for sure tomorrow.

feel free to comment btw, it helps

** Dee**

Not soo good

Last night I had a really bad stomach ache cuz of that friend that comes along you know. And then it made me feel like I was going to be sick. So I took tylenol and some gravol. Then my bf said he was going to go home and suddenly I had a really bad panic attack that would not go away. I took a whole mg of the lorazepam...and to top it off since I wasn't thinking clearly I took my IBS pill too. I almost took another half mg but decided not to suddenly i thought about it and I realized I had taken way too much. I just reacted to each symptom seperately and mixed my meds. Bad idea, when the attack ended like forty five minutes later I suddenly felt so stoned and was in a major daze fortunately i was trying to go to bed so I went to bed and passed out right away. When I woke up this morning though for church I was still pretty wrecked

Anyways the lesson here is that when I have a panic attack I should let the man know how I am feeling and what is wrong and let him control my meds instead of just taking anything to stop it.

Happy Happy

Okay I think i'm getting a cold cuz my throat hurts... i just wanted to complain for a couple seconds...

BUT lots of good stuff to talk about.

So Wednesday was abnormally hot 31 degrees Celsius in May! Thats like..July/August weather. So the man and I got together a few people to go up to Port Dover for the day to spend it at the beach. The weather actually felt really nice. Even the water was pretty nice. I didn't want to go in right away and do some real swimming because I knew it would  get hotter in the afternoon so I just adjusted a bit to the temperature. Plus I was hungry so I went back to sit on the beach and eat snacks. The man decided to join me so we went and got some hot dogs as well. We then went out and tossed around a football. I have never been very good and throwing a football but I figured it out! Then we went for a walk around the main part of town. It was just nice to relax and get some sun. We later decided to go for a swim but suddenly the water was full of these little dead fish it was gross. We think that the people who were fishing in the boat further out must have thrown in some of their old bait or something. It totally ruined that experience. That's okay though. We went back onto the beach and got a nice tan. The man's tan is so brown he looks so hot. That's because its partially natural. His mom is from Guyana so he got blessed with a bit of her colour.

Anyways while we were there I got a phone call from a 416 toronto number. I saw I had missed it and just ignored it figuring it was one of those annoying long distance calls. Then i remembered the company for the job I applied for was in Toronto! I checked my message and the Operations Manager wanted to meet me. So yesterday after work I met her half way between home and Toronto and we had an interview.

Now it is waiting time....


Anyways I have some cute pics to post of the beach but i left the camera at the man's house. Maybe I will post them later. Anyways I have to work today so wish me luck and cross your fingers I get this full time job

**Dee**

May 24 Weekend!

So, as I said in my last post we went camping yesterday at Byng Island.

It was great. We had to stay on a trailer site because there were no more regular sites left so it was really open. But it did mean there were a lot less bugs!

We brought the dog with us. He hates driving and he made it all the way to the conservation park just fine then puked just before we pulled into the site. Poor dog. He loves the outdoors though so he really enjoyed when he finally got out.

After everything was all set up everyone spent time eating munchies or taking it easy. I decided to start reading. I used to read all the time but it has been a long time since i finished a book. Maybe that should be a goal this summer.

We had steak and hot dogs and baked potatoes for dinner mmmmm. Dad brought a little bbq for the steaks, and did the potatoes and hot dogs on the fire. After dinner we went fishing until the sun went down. No one caught anything. Maybe we are doing something wrong? No one caught anything last summer either. It was still fun though.

 After fishing we went back and sat around the fire. We made s'mores, played mad libs, visited, relaxed the boys put on a light show in the dark with some glow and the dark sticks my bf bought. it was a good time. We went to bed around 11 but there was still alot going on around the park so he had a hard time falling asleep at first. I have never slept well at a camp. I usually start feeling pretty sick too from the cold and lack of sleep. This time though I curled up in my new warm sleeping bag inside his arms, buried my face in his chest and fell asleep. When I woke up at ten to seven I felt so relaxed. The sun was shining in and there were so many birds singing!

 

We had breakfast and cleaned up a bit, we then went and did a bit more fishing. I thought I caught something just before we left but it got away. There are so many types of fish in the river I'm surprised no one caught anything. Check out time was noon so we came back and packed up. It had gotten really hot by then so everyone was getting pretty tired.

All in all, the point is, I didn't have a panic attack, I didn't have problems with my stomach, I DID sleep the bathrooms were super clean and we had great weather. I even only have a little bug bite the doesn't really itch. It was a pretty good night.

oo also...little story. My sister, mom and brothers gf and I were walking to the bathroom and just as my sister went to open a door something popped out of a hole in the roof and she ran back outside to us. No one was sure what it was, mom said it was a bird, my sister said it was a bat. No one knew so we just ran into the washroom as fast as we could. When I was leaving I opened the door a touch and saw something peak out of the whole, at first I was startled and closed the door, then I peaked back out. I'm pretty sure it was just a squirrel. It was gone the next time we went to the bathroom.

So anyways!

It all went well.

Also, just to share, I applied for a new job. I love the station but there is no where for me to go there right now, this job would give me so much more responsibility and be much more interesting to me. I will let you know how it goes.

k thanks for reading!

**Dee**

Not gonna lie...

I am going camping today.
I'm feeling a bit anxious. I have had some good experiences and some bad experiences in the past when camping.

I hate bug filled dirty bathrooms especially when I have a stomach ache (which i do a little bit) . Past times I've been sick, I haven't slept, i woke up one morning with a giant bug of some kind squished on my back, I have been rained on, and I have had a tornado tear through our site. Fortunately I was actually in a shelter at that point.

But I love the concept of camping the whole being outdoors and the things you do.

It should be fun though. The whole family is coming.
We are going fishing, having steak for dinner, um making smores you know..camping stuff which should be exciting. But still. There is a bit of anxiety.....

 **Dee**

The Big One

So this weekend has been an eventful weekend. First of all I went back to work at the store on Saturday, I haven't been there in months! I surprisingly remembered a lot and caught on to the new stuff super quick within the first hour. I even somewhat enjoyed being there. Lately I have been feeling a little down about my position as teleprompter since all i do is sit in a chair for hours and role a script. I enjoyed being able to walk around and talk to customers and be active.

However here is where my concern over the weekend came in. I found out that my bf's family was going to Brampton. Rachael's oldest daughter has been visiting from New Zealand and she will be leaving soon. I haven't been there since my first major anxiety attack. While I was working I didn't think much about it. But when I came home I did and I was scared. I know how my mind works and just by being there I can make myself go through it all again because of the anxiety.

so the day of:

Sunday morning before church, feeling already a bit anxious, take a half of my med

Come home with a severe headache I had a bad headache that day too

I am wearing the same necklace I wore that day what if the necklace made me sick? (stupid right but that is what my mind does and in the back of it I know its dumb but something else takes over)

Anxiety increases so I go take a nap. 1:30 we are almost ready to leave, 5 to 2 on my way out to the car, I take another half.

The car ride: my stomach has been hurting for days and I notice some pains, so I take my IBS pill. Im a little drowsy now from the mix. So I start listening to music and staring out the window at the beautiful weather ...zoning out this is good.

Suddenly we are there, the clock says it was an hour but it sure didn't seem like it. That's a good sign.

I realize I really have to go to the bathroom so the first thing I do is go when I get in so right away everyone asks if I am okay. It's nice to know they are concerned and prepared.

I walk out of the bathroom and the kids are so happy to see me jumping for hugs. I love them very much it made me feel very good to see them, we spent some time watching a movie. Then we had dinner. It was after dinner last time that I got sick...try not to think about it.

I ate dinner. It was delicious. I also didn't eat too much. I had some gas and went to the bathroom. Tried not to think about it but felt a slight tingling in my hands. I know what that means. Take another half. It's hot in here, take off sweater, drink some water. Breathe.

I go back out to see the kids and try to put on a movie they both wanna watch. One suggests we go up to her room and play with some cars. So we do. It's comfy up here, kinda like Aunt Maria's place cue tingling feeling I've had an attack at her place before.... BARELY and only once. Calm down!

I start playing with the kids and we have a good time, Rachaels second oldest daughter then comes upstairs and asks if I want to go for a walk around the nieghbourhood (my bf's idea). Fresh air? hell yes! So we go for a half hour walk, I am doing just great. We come home and the kids have made my bf and I a place setting at their little homemade restaurant. But Rachael wants to take us to see the new kids place she is building for her new business. I like keeping busy and I really want to see this place. She has done a great job so far and I can't wait to see when its done. I hope it works well for her. We come back and the kids are almost ready to go to bed but they wouldn't go until I came home. So their oldest sister was reading to them. I came in and curled up on the bottom of the bed while she read I'm tired but I am relaxed, this is cute. I tuck the kids in and say goodnight when I come downstairs, the second oldest is hungry, and my bf loves trying all the Indian food at this place near by so we head out. Last time I ate this stuff I threw up after. So I decided I would wait until we come home in Hamilton to eat it. Just in case it was the food. That way I could isolate it as the trigger and wouldn't worry the next time I go down. I got through the whole night with no problem. I even ate the Indian deserts and they were delish and I feel just fine.

This is a BIG deal! I overcame my biggest fear with my anxiety! Now I have to keep doing this and easing off the meds. I know I can, one step at a time.

I am stronger than I think...

**Dee**

oooo also! My family has decided we are going camping for the May 24 weekend. Little bit nervous I love camping I am just picky about bathrooms cuz of the whole IBS thing lol.

AND my bf and I are riding on a BigBike with the store to help support the Heart and Stroke Foundation on June 3rd. I am excited. I will keep you up to date on those. :D

Wish me luck ♥

Mind Droppings

I have a few things on my mind today. I thought about sharing them, but they may just be too personal, about the few of my friends/family that know about this blog. Nothing bad exactly, I just miss them or am concerned about them and I don't think they'd appreciate me writing publicly about their situations.
But I care about them and thats why they are on my mind. Also, I have a headache so forgive me if my words make no sense today.

To try to ease it a little bit I think I will write out my goals for the summer.

• Attend my college graduation
• start producing corporate videos
• start a media business with my man or at least get some side jobs
• get out to the beach at Port Dover lot more
• figure out where I fit in the TV industry
• keep myself together in Brampton or far distances from home
• go fishing and actually catch a fish or two
• get in shape and get back into my yoga routine I started between Christmas and March when I went back to school
• have an exciting, romantic and happy time in Quebec (last time I went a number of years ago I was mad at my ex and it made my trip miserable - now I am with the most wonderful man ever)
• learn to control my anxiety
• keep busy, learn new stuff, be creative as often as possible (ex decorating basement, finding projects to do, hobbies, get back into my music etc..)

So I don't think I am asking for too much, the business thing might be hard to get done by the end of the summer but the rest should be easy enough!

Wish me luck, here are some pictures from last summer