Not soo good

Last night I had a really bad stomach ache cuz of that friend that comes along you know. And then it made me feel like I was going to be sick. So I took tylenol and some gravol. Then my bf said he was going to go home and suddenly I had a really bad panic attack that would not go away. I took a whole mg of the lorazepam...and to top it off since I wasn't thinking clearly I took my IBS pill too. I almost took another half mg but decided not to suddenly i thought about it and I realized I had taken way too much. I just reacted to each symptom seperately and mixed my meds. Bad idea, when the attack ended like forty five minutes later I suddenly felt so stoned and was in a major daze fortunately i was trying to go to bed so I went to bed and passed out right away. When I woke up this morning though for church I was still pretty wrecked

Anyways the lesson here is that when I have a panic attack I should let the man know how I am feeling and what is wrong and let him control my meds instead of just taking anything to stop it.

Happy Happy

Okay I think i'm getting a cold cuz my throat hurts... i just wanted to complain for a couple seconds...

BUT lots of good stuff to talk about.

So Wednesday was abnormally hot 31 degrees Celsius in May! Thats like..July/August weather. So the man and I got together a few people to go up to Port Dover for the day to spend it at the beach. The weather actually felt really nice. Even the water was pretty nice. I didn't want to go in right away and do some real swimming because I knew it would  get hotter in the afternoon so I just adjusted a bit to the temperature. Plus I was hungry so I went back to sit on the beach and eat snacks. The man decided to join me so we went and got some hot dogs as well. We then went out and tossed around a football. I have never been very good and throwing a football but I figured it out! Then we went for a walk around the main part of town. It was just nice to relax and get some sun. We later decided to go for a swim but suddenly the water was full of these little dead fish it was gross. We think that the people who were fishing in the boat further out must have thrown in some of their old bait or something. It totally ruined that experience. That's okay though. We went back onto the beach and got a nice tan. The man's tan is so brown he looks so hot. That's because its partially natural. His mom is from Guyana so he got blessed with a bit of her colour.

Anyways while we were there I got a phone call from a 416 toronto number. I saw I had missed it and just ignored it figuring it was one of those annoying long distance calls. Then i remembered the company for the job I applied for was in Toronto! I checked my message and the Operations Manager wanted to meet me. So yesterday after work I met her half way between home and Toronto and we had an interview.

Now it is waiting time....


Anyways I have some cute pics to post of the beach but i left the camera at the man's house. Maybe I will post them later. Anyways I have to work today so wish me luck and cross your fingers I get this full time job

**Dee**

May 24 Weekend!

So, as I said in my last post we went camping yesterday at Byng Island.

It was great. We had to stay on a trailer site because there were no more regular sites left so it was really open. But it did mean there were a lot less bugs!

We brought the dog with us. He hates driving and he made it all the way to the conservation park just fine then puked just before we pulled into the site. Poor dog. He loves the outdoors though so he really enjoyed when he finally got out.

After everything was all set up everyone spent time eating munchies or taking it easy. I decided to start reading. I used to read all the time but it has been a long time since i finished a book. Maybe that should be a goal this summer.

We had steak and hot dogs and baked potatoes for dinner mmmmm. Dad brought a little bbq for the steaks, and did the potatoes and hot dogs on the fire. After dinner we went fishing until the sun went down. No one caught anything. Maybe we are doing something wrong? No one caught anything last summer either. It was still fun though.

 After fishing we went back and sat around the fire. We made s'mores, played mad libs, visited, relaxed the boys put on a light show in the dark with some glow and the dark sticks my bf bought. it was a good time. We went to bed around 11 but there was still alot going on around the park so he had a hard time falling asleep at first. I have never slept well at a camp. I usually start feeling pretty sick too from the cold and lack of sleep. This time though I curled up in my new warm sleeping bag inside his arms, buried my face in his chest and fell asleep. When I woke up at ten to seven I felt so relaxed. The sun was shining in and there were so many birds singing!

 

We had breakfast and cleaned up a bit, we then went and did a bit more fishing. I thought I caught something just before we left but it got away. There are so many types of fish in the river I'm surprised no one caught anything. Check out time was noon so we came back and packed up. It had gotten really hot by then so everyone was getting pretty tired.

All in all, the point is, I didn't have a panic attack, I didn't have problems with my stomach, I DID sleep the bathrooms were super clean and we had great weather. I even only have a little bug bite the doesn't really itch. It was a pretty good night.

oo also...little story. My sister, mom and brothers gf and I were walking to the bathroom and just as my sister went to open a door something popped out of a hole in the roof and she ran back outside to us. No one was sure what it was, mom said it was a bird, my sister said it was a bat. No one knew so we just ran into the washroom as fast as we could. When I was leaving I opened the door a touch and saw something peak out of the whole, at first I was startled and closed the door, then I peaked back out. I'm pretty sure it was just a squirrel. It was gone the next time we went to the bathroom.

So anyways!

It all went well.

Also, just to share, I applied for a new job. I love the station but there is no where for me to go there right now, this job would give me so much more responsibility and be much more interesting to me. I will let you know how it goes.

k thanks for reading!

**Dee**

Not gonna lie...

I am going camping today.
I'm feeling a bit anxious. I have had some good experiences and some bad experiences in the past when camping.

I hate bug filled dirty bathrooms especially when I have a stomach ache (which i do a little bit) . Past times I've been sick, I haven't slept, i woke up one morning with a giant bug of some kind squished on my back, I have been rained on, and I have had a tornado tear through our site. Fortunately I was actually in a shelter at that point.

But I love the concept of camping the whole being outdoors and the things you do.

It should be fun though. The whole family is coming.
We are going fishing, having steak for dinner, um making smores you know..camping stuff which should be exciting. But still. There is a bit of anxiety.....

 **Dee**

The Big One

So this weekend has been an eventful weekend. First of all I went back to work at the store on Saturday, I haven't been there in months! I surprisingly remembered a lot and caught on to the new stuff super quick within the first hour. I even somewhat enjoyed being there. Lately I have been feeling a little down about my position as teleprompter since all i do is sit in a chair for hours and role a script. I enjoyed being able to walk around and talk to customers and be active.

However here is where my concern over the weekend came in. I found out that my bf's family was going to Brampton. Rachael's oldest daughter has been visiting from New Zealand and she will be leaving soon. I haven't been there since my first major anxiety attack. While I was working I didn't think much about it. But when I came home I did and I was scared. I know how my mind works and just by being there I can make myself go through it all again because of the anxiety.

so the day of:

Sunday morning before church, feeling already a bit anxious, take a half of my med

Come home with a severe headache I had a bad headache that day too

I am wearing the same necklace I wore that day what if the necklace made me sick? (stupid right but that is what my mind does and in the back of it I know its dumb but something else takes over)

Anxiety increases so I go take a nap. 1:30 we are almost ready to leave, 5 to 2 on my way out to the car, I take another half.

The car ride: my stomach has been hurting for days and I notice some pains, so I take my IBS pill. Im a little drowsy now from the mix. So I start listening to music and staring out the window at the beautiful weather ...zoning out this is good.

Suddenly we are there, the clock says it was an hour but it sure didn't seem like it. That's a good sign.

I realize I really have to go to the bathroom so the first thing I do is go when I get in so right away everyone asks if I am okay. It's nice to know they are concerned and prepared.

I walk out of the bathroom and the kids are so happy to see me jumping for hugs. I love them very much it made me feel very good to see them, we spent some time watching a movie. Then we had dinner. It was after dinner last time that I got sick...try not to think about it.

I ate dinner. It was delicious. I also didn't eat too much. I had some gas and went to the bathroom. Tried not to think about it but felt a slight tingling in my hands. I know what that means. Take another half. It's hot in here, take off sweater, drink some water. Breathe.

I go back out to see the kids and try to put on a movie they both wanna watch. One suggests we go up to her room and play with some cars. So we do. It's comfy up here, kinda like Aunt Maria's place cue tingling feeling I've had an attack at her place before.... BARELY and only once. Calm down!

I start playing with the kids and we have a good time, Rachaels second oldest daughter then comes upstairs and asks if I want to go for a walk around the nieghbourhood (my bf's idea). Fresh air? hell yes! So we go for a half hour walk, I am doing just great. We come home and the kids have made my bf and I a place setting at their little homemade restaurant. But Rachael wants to take us to see the new kids place she is building for her new business. I like keeping busy and I really want to see this place. She has done a great job so far and I can't wait to see when its done. I hope it works well for her. We come back and the kids are almost ready to go to bed but they wouldn't go until I came home. So their oldest sister was reading to them. I came in and curled up on the bottom of the bed while she read I'm tired but I am relaxed, this is cute. I tuck the kids in and say goodnight when I come downstairs, the second oldest is hungry, and my bf loves trying all the Indian food at this place near by so we head out. Last time I ate this stuff I threw up after. So I decided I would wait until we come home in Hamilton to eat it. Just in case it was the food. That way I could isolate it as the trigger and wouldn't worry the next time I go down. I got through the whole night with no problem. I even ate the Indian deserts and they were delish and I feel just fine.

This is a BIG deal! I overcame my biggest fear with my anxiety! Now I have to keep doing this and easing off the meds. I know I can, one step at a time.

I am stronger than I think...

**Dee**

oooo also! My family has decided we are going camping for the May 24 weekend. Little bit nervous I love camping I am just picky about bathrooms cuz of the whole IBS thing lol.

AND my bf and I are riding on a BigBike with the store to help support the Heart and Stroke Foundation on June 3rd. I am excited. I will keep you up to date on those. :D

Wish me luck ♥

Mind Droppings

I have a few things on my mind today. I thought about sharing them, but they may just be too personal, about the few of my friends/family that know about this blog. Nothing bad exactly, I just miss them or am concerned about them and I don't think they'd appreciate me writing publicly about their situations.
But I care about them and thats why they are on my mind. Also, I have a headache so forgive me if my words make no sense today.

To try to ease it a little bit I think I will write out my goals for the summer.

• Attend my college graduation
• start producing corporate videos
• start a media business with my man or at least get some side jobs
• get out to the beach at Port Dover lot more
• figure out where I fit in the TV industry
• keep myself together in Brampton or far distances from home
• go fishing and actually catch a fish or two
• get in shape and get back into my yoga routine I started between Christmas and March when I went back to school
• have an exciting, romantic and happy time in Quebec (last time I went a number of years ago I was mad at my ex and it made my trip miserable - now I am with the most wonderful man ever)
• learn to control my anxiety
• keep busy, learn new stuff, be creative as often as possible (ex decorating basement, finding projects to do, hobbies, get back into my music etc..)

So I don't think I am asking for too much, the business thing might be hard to get done by the end of the summer but the rest should be easy enough!

Wish me luck, here are some pictures from last summer

An Attack - Saturday May 8th

So as I sit here writing this I'm trying to calm down from an attack.

Our nieces and nephews are over at my boyfriends place for an early Mother's Day celebration. There usually is some anxiety when they come over because I want to keep them entertained and somewhat calm and if I have problems I can't do that. For the first little while I had to take my lorazepam whenever they came over but I had finally gotten past that.

Unfortunately, Mother's Day weekend fell at a bad time for me, at the beginning of a certain event that comes once a month (sorry but it had to be said). This is always the worst time for me because it really causes a lot of pain with my IBS. I have also noticed with the anxiety I seem to have an increased amount of tension. However I figured I have been fine the last little while when they come over I will be fine again. mmmm not so much.... I had the kids decorating wooden picture frames which was going all well and good until after dinner they snuck downstairs without me and started pouring glitter glue all over everything then painting everything, so I had them clean up and I started putting stuff away. It took forever because they kept grabbing more paint or more glue. Finally I got them to stop and clean up. Then I tried to get them too watch a movie but it was hard to get them to calm down and I then had to start chasing their pet dog. I walked into the bedroom for a sec, my boyfriend asked me if I was alright and I realized my stomach was in unbelievable pain and I hadn't take the tylenol I need for it in a couple hours. I took a deep breath and went back out to find they ahd made more of a mess so I started cleaning it up and tried to get them to relax. I told them that I wasn't feeling well so I needed them to behave and that their uncle would look after them. I went and secluded myself in the bathroom, the pain was so bad I found regular tylenol and settled for that, but i noticed I was starting to feel numb and tingly. Suddenly I was lightheaded and shaking (so bad I had my laptop with me but I couldn't keep it on my lap I was afraid I would drop it I was shaking so much) the shaking was uncontrollable and my breathing sped up i tried to control my breathing but then my stomach hurt more, it was a giant circle, then the kids started yelling, I got worried about it, but heard my bf calm them down. I was in panic mode, time to take the lorazepam I had done so well to avoid while they were here lately. After about twenty minutes, I finally left my corner in the bathroom when my boyfriend told me they were glued to the movie they were watching, I snuck into the bedroom drank some super cold water and laid down, threw on some Jeff Dunham and opened my laptop, I laid on my stomach which always helps and started focusing on Jeff and writing this blog. I started thinking about the future, worrying that this will happen when I have my own kids and I can't just run away from it. But I realized I was making it worse so I switched back my focus and I am now starting to feel better.


My bf came in to check on me, the kids are putting their pj's on and are going to have to leave soon, three year old Racquel comes in and asks if she can see me. She asks if I'm feeling a little better. I tell her yes. My bf tells her I need a hug, she gives me a hug then grabs her pillow and blanket, throws it on the bed and curls up next to me. she sits there for a bit talking, then goes to get her brother Reece. Reece then comes in with a pillow all in his pj's and says "we are going to take care of you, i brought you a nice soft pillow if you don;t have any" but he saw that I did so he said "we will just take care of you while you have a nap." that made me so happy. I love these kids dearly and normally they aren't such a hassle with paint and glue they were just excited we finally had a basement.
(my boyfriends basement flooded last summer and we are for the most part finished redoing it just gotta throw in some carpet, I will post pictures another day).

I was finally able to get out of bed to sit with them for a few minutes before they left and say goodbye. I am starting to feel better now.

On the bright side of things, usually if my panic attacks get that bad I freak out and leave to go home to my parents even if I take my meds. This time I pulled it together and I got through it so I am really proud of myself...

Now I just have to get myself together to drive out and hour to see them sometime.... I will add pictures btw in the morning

 **Dee**

Cloudy with a bit of sun

       Well, I would have liked to have started my blog with some happier notes but I can't say alot of exciting stuff has happened in the last couple of days.

      I will however try to start and end on some positives. As I mentioned earlier... after having my G1 for a whole five years I finally got my G2 License so I can finally drive myself anywhere. I've taken my bf's car quite a few days this week. I feel like I drive better by myself. Like I pay more attention. Almost like when he is with me I wait for him to tell me what to do but when I am on my own I just know and do it without hesitating. So thats a good thing :)

     The not so good stuff. Yesterday I finished my oh so exciting teleprompter shift, and went and approached my manager about a position I had applied for. You see we have two managers. An operations manager who deals with the technical side and a news manager who deals with the reporters, production assistants etc. My operations manager was aware that the news manager was hiring more Production Assistants and when I finished my internship as an editor he recommended that I apply. So I did, and they had me start interning as a Production Assistant. Unfortunately, it was hard for me to ever get full shifts because I was now back at school, and eventually I had to stop. When school ended I asked if I could start again. I kept being told well, we haven't decided who we are hiring yet so we will get back to you. I then started just emailing waiting to find out if I should show up. I felt that now that I could focus a whole eight hour day on the postition I would be able to master it.

I guess they didn't feel the same, and I was told yesterday that they didn't feel it was worth training me for because there were other people who already knew the position. That sucks because I don't know what else I would do, they are still on the old school way of editing, so I'm not as fast as I should be. It's not as easy as Final cut or Avid. So that's bummer number one.

Bummer number two.
I decided to drive to work this morning with my boyfriend since I have never driven that route and there are lots of one way streets and such. I am almost to work driving down a two lane one way street when all of a sudden some crazy woman makes a left hand turn into the left lane coming straight at me. I was so scared. After all I did JUST get my license. I tried to act fast by moving to the right lane but I forgot to check over my shoulder and almost sideswiped another car. Good thing my boyfriend was there and stopped me, so instead I just stopped and let the crazy lady pass since it was a wide lane (there is extra room for parking on that street). That was not a way to start my day. Then I get into work and find out there was too serious accidents on surrounding highways...whats with the weird drivers today?

Bummer number three.
I went to shoppers today to buy margarine and ginger ale (I had an upset tummy too, major indigestion from some pizza with too much garlic dip). When I went to pay my debit card was declined... I had no money left in my account. AT ALL! and I don't get paid until next week. Fortunately I had some cash a friend owed me and paid me that day in my pocket but it wasn't much.

Bummer number FOUR!
My doctor is giving up his practice to work at a hospital and spend more time with his family. That's wonderful for him and I am happy for him. Shitty for me because the anxiety thing is still really new so now I feel kind of alone and scared. I won't have known my new doctor, he or she won't know my history like he does, or my family or anything so he or she won't get it like he does. I have Aunts and Uncles who see him, some who have also suffered from anxiety or stress, family with health conditions like migraines and asthma and other things that link to IBS. I'm nervous. And what if we don't find someone right away? What do I do when I need a follow up? I'm not strong enough to deal with the anxiety on my own yet, and I am still waiting to get into the anxiety clinic.

*Happy Stuff*
Despite all these bummers, for some reason I am in a really good mood.  Had a good visit with my Mom, had some laughs at work even though I was somewhat disappointed about yesterdays news, bumped into my aunt who I am somewhat close with but hadn't talked to since before school ended so that cheered me up. and I am trying to set my best friend up with my bf's best friend because they deserve each other! They both need someone that will treat them well. I also got to spend alot of time with my boyfriend today, we priced out some equipment rentals for a video I will be working on for a make up artist, and then cuddled and watched TV and took a nap it was relaxing. It made me happy. The equipment rentals were reasonably priced too. Now if only I could get enough clients to make videos for that I could make a business out of it.

So I guess the day wasn't too bad. I think tomorrow I'm going to start working out my summer goals.That will keep me happy too!

**Dee**

A little background on the situation

Ever since I was little I've had problems with IBS although at the time we didn't know what it was. I just always had a tummy ache when I moved to a new school (only in grade 1) I got picked on a bit so my parents just thought it was nerves. As I got older we noticed I spent alot of time in the bathroom. I was sent to a pediatric specialist who said I was constipated and needed more fibre in my diet and suggested a cup of popcorn once a night..I didn't really follow that to a t...

When I got into highschool however the stomach problems increased to the point that I was in so much pain some nights I would be lying on the floor clenching my stomach. I also could never tell if I had to go to the bathroom or get sick. I tried watching hockey games to keep my mind off it but it didn't help. Then i started to lose weight. I am a tiny person already so losing weight is bad. I started seeing all sorts of specialists and doing all sorts of test. Finally they decided i had IBS with both constipation and ...the other. So a bowl of popcorn was a bad idea. Knowing what I had i started to somewhat adjust my diet. By the time I finished highschool I was getting a better handle of it. I took a year off school and things improved huge! I rarely had issues. Even my first year of college wasn't too bad. Second year though things started to get a little worse and I was having more problems. I was also becoming more concerned about going out. I was afraid of having stomach issues so if it hurt i canceled plans to avoid taking the chance.Then last summer, I went to visit my brother in law who lives an hour away. While we were there my IBS got soooo bad and I was kind of embarrassed but also very anxious because I was in sooo much pain and I wanted to go home. I started to find it really hot in his house and I felt sick to my stomach. My bf and I went outside to get air but that was dumb because it was the hottest day of the year (figures) so it got worse. I ran inside and started vomiting my niece and nephew trying to get into the bathroom to see whats wrong, I felt claustrophobic and sick and just wanted to go home, but home was so far away. I didn't want to leave the bathroom for a whole hour but I didn't want to stay there anymore I just wanted to go home. The more I thought about it the worse it got. I finally took an IBS pill and gravol both which make me drowsy and when I finally exhausted I got in the back of my other brother in laws car with a bag and a wet cloth and fell asleep on my bf's lap. My brother in law broke the speed limit and got us home in twenty minutes on a faster highway. From that night on things went downhill I couldn't ever leave the house. I started panicking every time we had plans and feeling sick. My first week back at school I only made it to one class. One day I bussed to school (I hate the bus when my stomach hurts because there is no place to stop and even if I did I would be severely late because I would then have to wait half an hour for the next one). So I was feeling anxious on the bus and my stomach hurt. By the time I got to school I was a mess. I was hot, i couldn't breathe I felt sick and no one could drive me home. I wanted to leave so bad but there was no one to call. Except my aunt. She showed up as fast as she could, in her running clothes with her dog in the backseat she rushed me home offering to take me to the doctors office right away. I told her I'd call first. She waited until my bf would have been almost finished class and I called my doctor who was booked up for two weeks! I went into a walk in clinic. They diagnosed the anxiety and started treatment right away. I am now seeing my family doctor on a regular basis and keep my meds close at hand for any possible attack. We established that its been an underlying condition all along which is why my IBS gets worse with the stress of things like school, or I am uncomfortable going out places. I am however working by myself at the moment to over come it. No specialists or anything. Some situations are hard but I am determined to overcome them. I have already started doing the dinner and movie thing with friends without a problem and even a bar night so I'm getting better.

This is my journey through my days, the good ones and the bad. To prove that the good outweigh the bad.

**Dee**

Day 1

So last night I went to bed a little late so I decided I’d sleep in until ten this morning. However, I had some weird dreams overnight, of me being sick with the flu in one of them. In another one my cousin invited the family over to visit her “new house” that she bought (she is too young right now to own a house so that made no sense to begin with). When we got there (for some reason it was one of my uncles and I that went first, my parents showed up after) my uncle and I saw my cousin break open a window by the door and it looked like she unlocked it from the window. We wondered why she did that to her own house. It was a big house too it looked expensive so we were very suspicious. We went into the house anyways. She said she had locked the keys inside and that is why. I was feeling very uncomfortable. She showed me around this huge house. And showed me her room which was like two rooms really like a bedroom with like an small TV room attached and an ensuite. The longer I was in there the more anxious I got and slowly started to feel a possible anxiety attack coming, because I thought she was breaking the law, however before anything happened I woke up. It was 8am my stomach was sooo upset I felt sick and anxious.
I think it must have been the anxiety of my driving test today. You see I already failed it a couple times. I am a very good driver, I even took a driving instructor out with me before my one test to make sure I was doing okay. He said I drive better then some of his other students who have gotten their license and I’m safer then a lot of people on the road these days. He said there was no way I could fail.. but then nerves got the best of me and I screwed up both tests by doing something dumb that I would never do any other day behind the wheel. I was nervous this morning that I might again do something dumb and I was already quite embarrassed and it frustrates me that I'm so stupid….ANYWAYS….it all ends with me passing and officially being a g2 licensed driver so I can now drive by myself yay! And on highways for our drive to Quebec to give my lovely boyfriend a break from the ten hour drive!
So I guess there was no reason to be so nervous because I did it. I just needed to relax and over come the anxiety. I actually started focusing my mind on this blog and what I wanted to write and then I calmed down. Anyways tonight doesn't look too exciting, going to drive my bf to work, and take my sister out from some ice cream but that's about it. I'd like to post some pretty pictures of the pretty weather today for you but at this point I have not yet taken any but maybe I will add a few on later.

My mom and dad got me a small cake to celebrate lol! its lotsa chocolate with some caramel in the middle and some peanuts and covered in plastic rings with cars on them WOW.

**Dee**

Introduction

So I have decided to start a blog. The problem is I’m not sure what people would be interested in reading. I kind of want to write about my anxiety and my IBS and just all the things I happen to be up to in my life to show people how I get through those health things and how I over come them and how I never let them take control of my life. I think doing this would help me on those sometimes hard to deal with days as well as help other people who feel the same way, and show them you can pull through. I’d kind of like to show those who don’t understand it as well how I take care of myself and how I keep it from ever interfering with my work and how the station is the one place I can be and feel calm. Something about working at a television station and watching 4-8 hours of news really helps me forget about the fact that my stomach hurt this morning.I don’t want this to be entirely about the anxiety and IBS though. I want to share my stories of my adventures as well. And its just more proof that these things don’t take over my life.

So as I start writing I hope to get some feedback about what people think of it.
**Dee**