Espresso Express-oh

So I don't think I have yet mentioned that I have been hired to make some videos for a couple who each own their own business. I have been working with them for a few weeks now, shooting and working on rough edits etc. I went to meet with them tonight to show them the rough edits and talk a bit more about what they wanted to do.

I don't think they took me seriously to begin with but after working with the man and I and showing them what we have done so far they are super excited and much more serious.

Here is the crappy part about tonight. I met with them for two hours. Things were going great we got so much accomplished and I am super happy. However they made espresso and I felt rude to turn them down. Besides I drink espresso sometimes at home.

Espresso can be a bad idea though. I only usually drink it when I am planning on being home all day. Why?

Well we know many peoples bowels do not get along with espresso so a person with IBS likely would have worse issues right? 

Now add the fact that espresso sometimes gets you jittery and that I suffer from anxiety which also gets that jittery thing happening. 

So I am sitting there suddenly I have massive cramps and jitters, then i start worrying because I do not want to take a few minutes to spend in the bathroom at their house so the jitters get worse as my mind starts focusing on it. Then I get myself back on track and I am fine again.But then it all comes back this time worse and suddenly i feel hot like I can't breathe. I know what this is but I will wait it out... but wait...I have to drive myself...I cant drive anxious. So, I unfortunately had to tell them that due to a health condition that I could suddenly feel flaring up I had to leave. I apologized, and when they realized I had to drive they became concerned they were very good about it and understanding so I was lucky. But that could have been bad if it had been someone else. I was a little embarassed. I drove home just fine. I got in the car and barely noticed how I was feeling. The air conditioning was on super high so it was refreshing. I'm home now, took so meds, visited the "office" and I am calming down. It just sucks that it happened while I was with them...

***Dee***

An achievement

So this is a couple days old news now but I should share it I think...

I went to my friends sisters stage and doe on the weekend. All of my high school friends were there -after a year off and three years of college these people have hung around. we have grown a little bit more distant but they are still around and supportive and I love that. I have been avoiding a few stag and doe's recently because of the anxiety. I also have been feeling a little sick lately and had to take Friday off work so Saturday I was a little bit nervous going. The Man and I decided we would just go and make an appearance and stay for a little bit then go. I got there though and had a good time seeing the old crowd and I pulled through almost the entire night. When we had started to decide we would stay longer we said we would stay until the draws were done then go. The stag and doe was scheduled to go until 1:00 and the raffle was done at quarter after twelve. The man suggested we stay until the end so I went and grabbed a drink (my first and only drink for the night because unfortunately alcohol can mimic the effects of an anxiety attack and actually cause one or cause other problems if mixed with the meds). I think because I had it set in my head we would leave after the raffle my mind and body decided it didn't want to be there anymore. Then I started thinking about the alcohol - even though one drink has never hurt in the past. I started to feel a numbness in my arms so I pulled aside my friend and one of the other girls I trust and told them I may be bordering on attack. They both understood and I went home.

I know it seems like the anxiety won but it didn't. I got through much longer than I had intended to. We got there at nine I figured I would stay an hour max, but I stayed until 12:30 this was huge.

One of the girls is moving out of the city in a few days, this Friday they are having a going away Hawaiian themed party. I work all seven days this week but I am going to go they are all short shifts anyways and I want to say goodbye so we will see how that goes :)

***Dee***

My New Puppy

is fairly well behaved for a puppy. She is ten months old, she must have had some training before she was abandoned because she is very familiar with the basic commands plus a few others. The only problem is she scares my older dog chip. She is a bit rough when she gets playful and he doesn't like that. And she has picked up on his fear so now she is testing him a lot. She will be broken of that though...wanna see what she looks like?

Meet Hope

Meet Chip

Hope & Chip

SO MUCH TO TELL!

I don't even know where to start. I will try and keep it short by writing about just one topic tonight. I will add another tomorrow. Tonight I will share the best news.

I GRADUATED YESTERDAY!

It wasn't as long as I thought it would be even though there was over 500 of us. It was short and sweet and I got tonnes of pictures of my friends before hand and a few of my teachers afterwards. My dad is a teacher at the college, same department different program so he was on stage when they were announcing the graduates. After I shook the hands of the college President and Vice President I was surprised by my dad greeting me with a hand shake and hug. My dad's coworkers include my bf's professors who surprisingly came up and congratulated me and hugged me and told me how proud of me they were. My bf's program coordinator even hung around to see me graduate. I felt special.

The ceremony ended nicely but the big pain in the butt was the lines. There was a line to pick up your actual diploma, a long to pick up the composite photos, a line to return your gowns because you had to right away and if you wanted a pic with a gown on you had to go down to the student centre and wait in line to use one of the three other gowns they had. After all that I went to say goodbye and get pics with some of my teachers. That's when one of my very supportive teachers asked if I would work for him this summer! He has his own small production company and does very well for himself. I was sooo honored.

My mom, bf and grandpa came as well but my grandpa was sick so couldn't stay for lunch, we picked up my bf's mom and then went to milestones for lunch. The food was DELICIOUS and very filling. I got a 50 dollar gift card for the mall so I can make my wardrobe more professional, a Doctor Suess book and The book of AWESOME which I recommend you read. It really helps make you feel good and appreciate the little things like perhaps the smell after it rains and it really makes me giggle.

So I already wrote a fair bit. I will spare you the rest. Share a couple pics. I have been trying to avoid showing my picture in case someone I know finds it but who cares. I wanna show you my adorable dress!

Bad News on a Rainy Day

Well it's been a while since I've posted anything. Pretty much because I haven't had anything to tell you because nothing exciting has been happening lately, I am broke I barely work and the weather is crummy so I am just spending alot of time watching TV and movies.

So there was nothing new to say until today....
I woke up this morning with a bad headache and feeling a bit down. I had a dream last night..well two actually involving a close friend of mine who is working way up north this summer. The first one he was very upset about something and trying to contact me, the second one was the same situation except I was trying to contact him.

It was also a rainy day. and lots of people were complaining on facebook about how awful the day was. For example "its only 8am and this is the worst day ever" or "its raining, I'm soaked, everything that could go wrong on the way to work has". So seeing this I already had an uneasy feeling.
I got up and ate breakfast and had a tea, checked emails turned on the tv and visited with my mom who  was home with a migraine. At some point I got a Facebook message from one of the reporters I work with. A friend of mine from college who was very close friends with the one I had a dream about, had been killed in an accident yesterday. She wanted pictures and to know how well I knew him and if anyone I knew wanted to speak about him. I read it a few times thinking it was his brothers name I was reading. Almost like my mind wouldn't accept it. I slowly started processing it and when she called I stumbled and told her I would get to her what ever I could.

He wasn't a best friend of mine so at first it was just sad news. Once I started going through my pictures and some friends pictures, and visited his facebook profile I started to feel worse. I called my boyfriend at work but I dialed our managers extension. I managed to tell her who it was and then burst hysterically into tears. We weren't BEST friends but he was still a friend. Unfortunately I haven't even seen him in the last year because our paths were going in different directions. I was also worrying about my friend up north because he IS however a very close friend of mine, and knowing him and his state of mind its not something he (or anyone really) needs to deal with. Then I started thinking about his family and what they would be feeling. I kept picturing his face, and then just not seeing it there anymore...it was so hard.

I guess I am handling it okay now. I calmed down after talking to my bf and one of my other close friends. The one up north flew home, but I don't think he is doing to well because that is the one message he keeps ignoring the question about how he is doing.

There are a few things that get me here and there, like when I first heard the word "autopsy", when I saw the news story, and when I learned how horrific his death was. He was on his bike riding past a drive thru entrance and a car pulled off the street into the drive thru and hit him, he flew through the window and it sliced open his neck. He tried to get up, he couldn't, the driver wrapped a tshirt around his neck to stop the blood and a nearby police officer had ambulance dispatch for him right away. unfortunately it wasn't enough.... He was supposed to graduate next week. He will definately been in my prayers at my graduation on Tuesday

I am staying pretty strong now. I need to keep going about my day and my life. Friday is the visitation which I will go to for sure, and Saturday is the funeral. I booked a video shoot that day. I called my client and asked her if we could split the shoot up that day so I can go to the funeral. I need to support my friends and his family and I want to say some kind of goodbye but I need to keep busy because otherwise it will eat me alive....the anxiety is there in the back of my mind but its not winning this time. I need to be strong for my friends and for myself.

**********************************************************************************

On a small bright side, that kinda gets lost in the sadness, I met with my new family doctor on Tuesday. She is wonderful. She wants to meet with me to talk about my anxiety and connect me with some doctors that deal with that right at her office. It means I can get in within a month instead of waiting two years for the clinic I have been waiting to get into.

Also I may get a new dog tomorrow. My mom found her last week at her work at a conference centre and campsite in the woods. She took it to animal control and no one has claimed her yet. She goes up for adoption tomorrow so hopefully we can get her. We will know for sure tomorrow.

feel free to comment btw, it helps

** Dee**