Bad News on a Rainy Day

Well it's been a while since I've posted anything. Pretty much because I haven't had anything to tell you because nothing exciting has been happening lately, I am broke I barely work and the weather is crummy so I am just spending alot of time watching TV and movies.

So there was nothing new to say until today....
I woke up this morning with a bad headache and feeling a bit down. I had a dream last night..well two actually involving a close friend of mine who is working way up north this summer. The first one he was very upset about something and trying to contact me, the second one was the same situation except I was trying to contact him.

It was also a rainy day. and lots of people were complaining on facebook about how awful the day was. For example "its only 8am and this is the worst day ever" or "its raining, I'm soaked, everything that could go wrong on the way to work has". So seeing this I already had an uneasy feeling.
I got up and ate breakfast and had a tea, checked emails turned on the tv and visited with my mom who  was home with a migraine. At some point I got a Facebook message from one of the reporters I work with. A friend of mine from college who was very close friends with the one I had a dream about, had been killed in an accident yesterday. She wanted pictures and to know how well I knew him and if anyone I knew wanted to speak about him. I read it a few times thinking it was his brothers name I was reading. Almost like my mind wouldn't accept it. I slowly started processing it and when she called I stumbled and told her I would get to her what ever I could.

He wasn't a best friend of mine so at first it was just sad news. Once I started going through my pictures and some friends pictures, and visited his facebook profile I started to feel worse. I called my boyfriend at work but I dialed our managers extension. I managed to tell her who it was and then burst hysterically into tears. We weren't BEST friends but he was still a friend. Unfortunately I haven't even seen him in the last year because our paths were going in different directions. I was also worrying about my friend up north because he IS however a very close friend of mine, and knowing him and his state of mind its not something he (or anyone really) needs to deal with. Then I started thinking about his family and what they would be feeling. I kept picturing his face, and then just not seeing it there anymore...it was so hard.

I guess I am handling it okay now. I calmed down after talking to my bf and one of my other close friends. The one up north flew home, but I don't think he is doing to well because that is the one message he keeps ignoring the question about how he is doing.

There are a few things that get me here and there, like when I first heard the word "autopsy", when I saw the news story, and when I learned how horrific his death was. He was on his bike riding past a drive thru entrance and a car pulled off the street into the drive thru and hit him, he flew through the window and it sliced open his neck. He tried to get up, he couldn't, the driver wrapped a tshirt around his neck to stop the blood and a nearby police officer had ambulance dispatch for him right away. unfortunately it wasn't enough.... He was supposed to graduate next week. He will definately been in my prayers at my graduation on Tuesday

I am staying pretty strong now. I need to keep going about my day and my life. Friday is the visitation which I will go to for sure, and Saturday is the funeral. I booked a video shoot that day. I called my client and asked her if we could split the shoot up that day so I can go to the funeral. I need to support my friends and his family and I want to say some kind of goodbye but I need to keep busy because otherwise it will eat me alive....the anxiety is there in the back of my mind but its not winning this time. I need to be strong for my friends and for myself.

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On a small bright side, that kinda gets lost in the sadness, I met with my new family doctor on Tuesday. She is wonderful. She wants to meet with me to talk about my anxiety and connect me with some doctors that deal with that right at her office. It means I can get in within a month instead of waiting two years for the clinic I have been waiting to get into.

Also I may get a new dog tomorrow. My mom found her last week at her work at a conference centre and campsite in the woods. She took it to animal control and no one has claimed her yet. She goes up for adoption tomorrow so hopefully we can get her. We will know for sure tomorrow.

feel free to comment btw, it helps

** Dee**